she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have feelings that need drinking.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
