hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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