we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
