Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
