Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
