I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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