just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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