Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
