We won't sleep together?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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