About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
