I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
