They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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