you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
