You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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