I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
