my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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