On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
