she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
