I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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