Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
