I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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