I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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