i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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