If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
