I accidentally burped into my bong.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
