if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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