You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
