we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
