Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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