booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
