Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
