I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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