Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.