***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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