I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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