She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just blew my weed a kiss
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
