Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
