wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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