my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
