Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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