Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
