Just fell off a train. Bad.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
