im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
