I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
