Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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