eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
