I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
