I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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