trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
