She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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