Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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