I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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