so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
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And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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