im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
